Tuesday, November 22, 2011

That's What She Said...

Life is full of...well, things. Some things are necessity and unavoidable, like bills and food and work. Some things are frivolous, like watching the latest episode of Parks and Rec or the new Harry Potter movie. And some things are just...nice to have, like good friends, a long hug, or an overactive imagination. Tonight I have the overactive imagination, and I must say, it's not super nice to have at the moment. It's 3am, and I just cannot sleep. Too many thoughts looming in my mind and I just can't seem to make peace with them. For most of them, I've found some resolve, which has quieted part of my brain for now, but I have a couple of things that I just...can't make sound.

I'm gonna try to tuck them into the back of my head for now and dust off this here blog. I briefly started a new one to post my Photo-A-Day project to, but I kind of gave up on that a couple of months ago. Not the photo a day part, mind you, but the blog part of it. But, it wasn't the same as this one. I've missed having somewhere to pour my thoughts, and I haven't found a happy medium for it since I left. I tried Twitter, Facebook, and Google+, but those are harder to just dump my mind gibs on, since there are too many "real" people connected there. Some days, it's nice to shout into the abyss of the internet and hear the silence resounding back at you. I even tried to just keep a regular journal, but I found myself self-editing even that; like, trying to protect Future Karen from reading the what's really going on in Past Karen's world. I figured if I wasn't going to keep a real journal to let out my daily thoughts or woes, I should try that blog again.

And here I am. It's been...well, about 2 years, it seems, since I last updated. Jackson just turned 9, and I'm closing in on 30...thirty. Geez, seems a bit surreal. I'm not particularly afraid of turning 30, since I've felt middle aged since I was about 20, but I am feeling some inner turmoil with it. I think it's mostly because I'm almost 30 and I still feel like I haven't accomplished all that I'd wanted to. Still single, still at the same job, still not living for me. I am getting a lot better with the last one, though. I've tried putting myself out there for people and some have worked out, and some haven't. And, with the ones that haven't, I've survived to tell the tale, so lesson learned and experience experienced. And while I'm still at the same job, I have started volunteering within the community, which has helped make me feel better about being a cubicle drone day after day; I least get to help people now on my own time, and it feels wonderful. I've also started doing some things that I've been wanting to do for years but have put off, like sewing and canning and learning photography. Also started cooking a lot and learning some science behind baking so I can start experimenting more in the kitchen. I'd also started learning about wines, so I'm feeling very pretentious at times and I kind of love it. I wish to one day be at the level of Paul Giamatti in Sideways. Man, that was a great movie. GREAT. MOVIE. I also have started writing more, but still holding myself back a lot. I keep trying to take myself too seriously, and I really do not do well with serious. I should write a children's book; I bet I'd rock a children's book. A book of haiku for kids. Actually, that sounds like a lot of fun. Adding to my bucket list for this winter.

It's also Thanksgiving this week. For the first time in years, I'm not having a get together with any family on Thanksgiving and instead Jackson and I are having a small dinner here with just the two of us. I say small, in that there will only be the two of us, but I am making enough food to feed a small army. Small again; see? Small dinner. 15 pounds of delicious turkey will be roasting away on Thursday, while I start decorating my house for the holidays. *sigh* I can't wait. I love the holidays. I love the feeling they bring. Happiness. Lots and lots of happiness. In past years, I'd get a bit sad around the holidays, being around my happy family and all of their happy families, all the while trying to adjust to being alone (pretty sure I'd vented a few times on here in the past), but I think this year I'm finally at the point where I'm happy being just me. I'd hoped to not be just me by now, but I've been single for 5 years and it doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon, so I'm just accepting it now. You hear that, Future Karen? You're accepting it. So stop whining and chin up! Life goes on, whether you're ready for it or not, so you might as well be ready for anything. That reminds me...I'm all out of duct tape.

Ok. Brief break to make a list of things I need at the store and I realized it's almost 3:30 now. My alarm is going off in 3 hours so I can pick J up before school, so I'd best be at least attempting to rest, even if sleep is out of reach.

It's nice to be back, though. Feeling better already.


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