James Dean: Actor or Philosopher?

This is going to be a kinda weird post, so I apologize in advance for teh crazy. I just had a lot on my mind today and need to talk some stuff out.

In less than 1 month, I'm going to be 26 years old. I have a good job, good friends, get by on my own, and am a mother to a beautiful, wonderful 5 year old boy. From the outside, it would seem that I was happy with my life and on some levels, I am. If I had to redo my life, I can't say that I would change anything, since I am pretty content with where my life is at this exact moment, even though the road was quite bumpy at parts. Sure, I have "what if's" about tons of things, and wonder where I'd be if I had made a different decision at some point. But, all of those "what if's" are far from regrets. I can't say that any decision I've made so far in my life can be considered a regret, because I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. I do believe that there is a big, cosmic plan for everyone. I won't say that I believe in fate, per se: To me, it's more like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book than a pre-determined life path. Free will and all that.

So, life is a series of choices. Some are easy: coffe or tea? paper or plastic? boxers or briefs? Some are harder: college or work? family or friends? love or money? And some are just complicated: yes or no? talk or listen? stay or go?
Most people will take each question and decide which is best for them. And I'm not one of those people. With each choice (aside from the "easy" ones), I don't just think about my own want or need, but I instead will think of how everyone else will be affected. I can't say that I've made a big decision in my life that was solely what I wanted, everyone else be damned. I care so much about what others think of me and of being judged that I will try to please everyone, at all costs.

My biggest fears in life are rejection and disappointment from others, so I will avoid putting myself in a position where one of those reactions can be possible. If someone can be hurt from a decision I make, I will do my best to come to a conclusion that hurts the least amount of people, even if the only one hurt is myself. Because of this, I have become a very passive person. I'm a sit-back-and-hope-things-turn-out person and have pretty much taken a back seat to actually living because of it. My life is boring, and I'm pretty sure it's boring because I don't take chances. For an example, I don't initiate relationships/friendships because I don't want to put myself out there and be vulnerable, so I instead am defensive and distance myself from people so that I can't get close enough for them to hurt me. I *want* to let people in, but every time I start to, I get scared and pull myself away.

Also, my caring about other peoples' perceptions of me affects so much of who I am and what I do that it also accounts for the way that I dress. For, well, pretty much forever, I've worn a sweat shirt/sweater over my regular clothes. Part of the reason is because I get cold easily. But, the main reason? I'm very self conscious about my body and cover myself up as much as possible anytime that I'm in public. I don't wear skirts/shorts in public and haven't owned a bathing suit in ~9 years. BUT! I'll have you know that I have been working on this: I don't always wear sweaters/sweat shirts anymore. Well, *most* of the time I do, but people sometimes will see actual Karen skin that's not my face or hands! I KNOW! Progress.

Now, before you get all "Karen, you're dumb and you think waaaaaaaaay to much about this", please realize that I KNOW THAT ALREADY! You have no idea how much I wish I could just say "fuck it" and just do what I want and not care about how others will react. I really, super-duper do. But I can't.

However, as I said at the start of the year, this year is all about change and good things for me, so I'm going to make an effort to change these parts of my life, too. I'm not going to promise anything, since there have been years of self-loathing and paranoia that got me this far, and I don't know if I can erase all of that in a matter of months, but I'm at least going to try, and hope that this will be the beginning of more good things for me. So, to help me along, I'm going to make a "to do" list for myself for the next year and hope I get them done by the time I hit 27, so that I can maybe celebrate that birthday in a dress, while being overly social and hopefully I will have found my Mr. Wonderful™ by then.

And, I am going to be giving myself a new mantra: "Dream as if you'll live forever; live as if you'll die today". I already have the dream part down, so I just have to start living for today and I'll be good to go.


Music pick for the Day: "Short Skirt, Long Jacket" by Cake
Beverage pick for the Day: water
Socks for the Day: purple knee highs with multi-color polka dots